Walking Under Water
by MoneButterfly
Summary: "She can paint a lovely picture. BUT... This story has a twist. Her paintbrush is a razor and her canvas is her body." After the break up with Beck, Jade's world falls apart. Jori friendship. Warning: Self harm/cutting.
1. Prologue Jade's butterfly

Walking Under Water

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Summary: "She can paint a lovely picture. BUT... This story has a twist. Her paintbrush is a razor and her canvas is her body." After the break up with Beck, Jade's world falls apart. Jori friendship. Warning: Self harm/cutting.

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"What's that you're drawing on your arm?" Cat asks as she sits down at the table next to you.

"Nothing," you mumble.

"It looks like a butterfly," she says and then wrinkles her nose. "A scary looking butterfly."

"It's not scary looking, it's just a butterfly." You reach for the red pen in your pencil case and for a second your fingers touches the paper knife that lies in there between all your other things. You really have to make an effort to not grab the knife and run out of the class room. To lock yourself in a bathroom stall and press the knife against the skin of your arm. You sigh as you take the red pen and start to draw again.

"A butterfly with razor blade wings," Cat says. "That's scary to me. They even have blood on them."

"It's who I used to be."

"What?" Cat asks confused.

"Nothing," you say instead of explaining to her how you – a 14 year-old girl – used to cut yourself. You don't expect her to understand anyway. You don't even truly understand yourself.

Cat turns back to her own things and leave you to continue on your drawing. When you're finished with the butterfly you write in green letter under it: 'Jade's butterfly'.

* * *

*When I stopped cutting it was only because I could afford to, because the need for it had apparently run its natural course, like the fever the body mounts to fight off infection, that subsides when the danger is past*

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Jade's butterfly (drawing by me) www . twitpic . com/961ako


	2. Chapter 1

Walking Under Water

* * *

It's only 7:30am, Friday and there is already 3 freshly cut wounds on your left forearm. One for each year you have spent with Beck. You haven't cried yet. It's like you don't know how to. You didn't mean to cut, but when the unbearable urge came you just couldn't stop yourself. You don't really know which brought this on – the hurt from the break up last night or the anger you are feeling towards him. It doesn't really matter anyway, because you are even more angry with yourself right now. When you had first gotten into Hollywood Arts you had made a promise with yourself to never cut or hurt yourself in any other way and even though it had been so hard at times then you had kept that promise.

Until now.

You feel weak and like the last three and a half years have been a waste of time. But if you never wanted to cut yourself again then why did you keep your paper knife in the pencil case that you have with you every day at school? You wonder if this was all an excuse for you to start hurting yourself again. Did you drive Back away on purpose? You sigh and pull a long sleeved black shirt from your the back of your closet. It's actually too hot outside for long sleeved clothing and you know the others will question you about it. But gather they ask about the long sleeves than the cuts. You're not ready for anyone too know this thing about you. Beck never even knew. You put on the shirt and grab your bag. Before walking out the door you check your make-up one last time in the hall mirror and then leave without saying goodbye. You know that there won't be anyone there to say goodbye to anyway.

In the car the music is so loud it actually hurts your ears, but you don't turn it down, you just keep looking out the windscreen and lightly runs your fingers over the area on your arm were the cuts are hidden under the sleeve.

You had thought about skipping school. You know that's what the others are expecting you to do and that's exactly why you aren't gonna do it. You can't let them know you're weak, that this is hurting you. You'll need to keep your distance. You might be a good actress, but for some reason Tori and Andre have always been able to tell when something was wrong with you. Beck too, but you're pretty sure he will be avoiding you as much as you'll be avoiding him.

You pull into the parking lot and find that your usual spot is occupied by someone else's car. Your fingers tights around the steering-wheel and your knuckles turns white. You feel the anger fill your body and you don't really understand why this is effecting you so much. You drive further down the lane and find another just as good spot, but you can't make the anger go away. You turn of the car and at the same time the loud music disappears. Your ears are almost thanking you for this.

You grab your bag of the driver seat next to you and is about to get out of the car, but stop. Beck is there, standing by his car one row from yours. You hadn't expected seeing him would hurt this much. You thought that by making the three lines on your forearm, then you would be able to go the whole day without hurting, like you had earlier. When you were younger, you could cut yourself in the morning and then go the whole day feeling numb. Like you were walking under water. But now you had only made it to school and the feeling was already gone. You push back your sleeve and brush your fingers over the cuts. You sigh, because you know these aren't gonna be the only bruises that will be covering your body at the end of the day.

You pull your sleeve back down and grab your bag while opening your door, but you don't look before doing so and when the door flies open you hear it hit someone, who drops their things on the ground. Without thinking you kneel down and start to gather pieces of paper, before they fly away. You mumble an apology and avoid the eyes of whoever is kneeling next to you.

"It's okay."

You look up when you realize you know the voice coming from the person besides you. Tori looks back at you with a small thankful smile. You are just about to say something when your hear your name being said behind you. The voice makes you stiffen. Beck. You don't wanna turn around and face him, you just wanna avoid him like you had planned to do.

"Jade?" he says again.

You sigh. "What do you want?" you ask still with your back to him.

"I want to talk with you."

"I don't have anything to say to you," you say angrily as you turn towards Beck. Somewhere in your mind you register a hand that touches yours, but you don't think more about it. "I want you to leave me alone."

"But Jade."

"No! You broke up with me, so you don't get to do this," you almost yell at him. You can feel your cheeks are burning and that your eyes are filling with tears. "Just leave me the hell alone!"

Beck takes a step towards you, but then shakes his head with a sigh and leaves.

You swallow hard as you watch him walk away and notice the hand that is still holding yours. You turn back to Tori and are just about to yell at her for holding your hand, when you realize you are the one squeezing her's for all that you are worth. You look at your hands for a long time, before you let go and slowly gets up from the ground. You slam the car door close and then locks it.

Tori gathers the rest of her things and then ask, "Do you wanna walk with me into school?"

You don't realize you are nodding till Tori slowly folds her hand around your elbow and guides you towards the school entrance. Somehow her fingers brushes against your cuts and the pain that comes from the simple touch makes you flinch from her side violently.

"Are you okay?" Tori asks concerned.

"I'm fine," you say, avoiding her eyes as you quickly walk away.

You hide in the girls' bathroom waiting for the bell to ring. You don't wanna have to face Tori or any of the others right now. You're sure Tori has already told them about how you just freaked out when she touched you. You walk into the stall farthest in the back. You sit on the closed toilet lid with your legs pressed to your chest and your arms wrapped around them. Then pressure on the cuts makes your arm hurt, but you ignore it and just lean your head against the wall of the bathroom stall and closes your eyes.

When the bell rings it startles you so much it almost makes you fall of the toilet. You don't know if you fell asleep or of you where just in your own little world. You can feel the way your heart is beating fast in your chest. It feels almost like right after you have cut yourself. The feeling makes the urge rise within you, so you lean down and grab your pencil case from your bag. You take out the paper knife and pull of the hood.

For a moment you just look at the shiny little blade at the end of the metal pen while balancing the pencil case on your knees.

You place your right index finger over the blade and press down on it a little, so blood starts to slowly appear round the place where the blade is touching your finger. Your glance is on the blood as it begins to run down your finger and into your palm. It's like the sight of the blood making it's way down your hand is hypnotizing you. You just can't look away.

"Jade?"

The sudden sound of Cat's voice surprises you, making your knees shake and your drop your pencil case on the floor. Pens and other stuff rolls around the floor and you curse at yourself under your breath.

"Jade?" Cat asks again, but this time her voice is coming from just the other side of the the stall door instead of from the bathroom entrance.

"What do you want, Cat?" you ask and when she takes her time answering, you know you spoke too angrily to her and that you have hurt her feelings.

"You were late for class, so Sikowitz asked me to go find you." She's quiet for a moment. "Are you okay in there?"

"Yeah, I'm fine," you say, hoping you don't sound as panicked as you feel. You grab some toilet paper and wrap some of it around the blade of the paper knife and some around your finger.

"Why are you pens lying on the floor?" Cat asks innocently and you can see from under the stall door that she is rolling back and further on the soles on her feet.

"I... I was looking for a band-aid in my pencil case, but I dropped it," you say, kneeling on the floor. It's more difficult to pick up the thing and put them in the case with a bleeding finger than you had thought it would be.

"Why do you need a band-aid?"

"Because I cut my finger," you say, zipping you pencil case and placing it back in your bag.

"I have band-aids in my locker," Cat says just as you get out of the stall with your bag over your left shoulder and with your right hand held high, hoping it will help make the blood stop. "Wow, there's a lot of blood."

You know she referring to the blood that has made it's way down your hand and some of your arm. "Maybe," you say and walk to the sink. You turn on the water, so you can wash the blood away even though you kind of like the sight of it. Cat looks from you to your bloody hand and back. You think she looks kind of green so you ask her if she could go find that band-aid for you in her locker.

"Okie dokie," Cat says with a smile and then skips out of the bathroom.

"Not a yellow one," you yell after her just before the door closes, but you're not sure if she heard you or not.

You unwrap your finger and then places your hand under the water. Your finger is throbbing, but not in a painful way, at least not to you. You find the feeling calming and it's the only thing your head can focus on. Any thought of yours and Beck's break up is gone. You sigh in relief when you finally notice the numbness wash over you. This was the feeling you had wished to gain this morning when you had made the three cuts on your left forearm. This feeling of not really being presence. The feeling of walking under water.

* * *

*It didn't occur to me that there was something decidedly odd in finding a box of razors aesthetically appeal in. I wonder if a heroin addict loves the elegant simplicity of the needle. If a drinker romances the curve shape of the bottle*


	3. Chapter 2

Walking Under Water

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It's 10:30pm, Wednesday and there is now a burn on your right wrist, a black bruise on the inside of your left knee and too many cuts for you to count all over your body. You can't believe it has only been 5 days and about 14 hours since you made the first three cuts.

You sigh and crawl under the covers of your bed. The red thick blanket lies protected over your sore body. You can't move without making some part of it hurt. You close your eyes, pulling the blanket tightly around yourself and pressing your face into your pillow.

The days has gone by in a haze. Between every class you had sneaked out to the girls bathroom and hidden in the stall farthest in the back. It's now your favorite place to be. Even though the first thought that came to mind the moment you sat down on the closed toilet lid was to hurt yourself in some way, then you didn't always do it. Sometimes you would cut, hit yourself or the wall and sometimes you would just sit and look at the wounds and bruises that now covered your body. It scares you a little bit that you have been able to do this to yourself. That this is actually making you feel better instead of worse. You know someone is gonna notice what's going on real soon. Tori almost did the first day when she touched your arm and you acted all crazy. And you have only made it worse by avoiding her since.

You roll from your side and onto your stomach, buying your face even deeper into your pillow, hoping sleep will come to you. But no such luck. Too many thoughts are running through your mind and you can't seem to shut them out. You keep thinking about tomorrow. About what you're gonna do if Tori decides to asks you any questions. She hasn't actually said anything to you about the episode, but then again you haven't really spent any time with her at all since. But if she asks then should you just answer her honestly? You actually laugh out loud for yourself at your own stupid thought. Of course you're not gonna tell her anything about this. If she asks then you're just gonna pretend it never happened.

With this all cleared out you think you'll be able to fall asleep, but you don't. You end up only sleeping three hours and when your alarm clock goes of the next morning your head feels heavy and your whole body hurts. The black bruise on the inside of your left knee is the worse. It hurts every time you stretch your leg out and you're a bit concern. You try to ignore it and get ready for school.

You dress in long sleeves again and to be sure you wear your Jaded bracelet around your right wrist to cover the small burn you made there last night with your curling iron. You promise yourself you won't cut today. And that's no matter how unbearable the urge gets, because you know your body needs time to heal after the round of torture it received over the past few days.

You pull the sleeves down over your hands and for a moment you feel bad about what you have done. You feel ashamed. You sigh and mentally pull yourself together. Today you have to be the way you use to be, that means being mean to everyone especially Tori. You grab your things and leave the house, once again without saying goodbye. You don't even wonder where your mother is.

At school everyone is gather around Tori's locker. What a surprise. You ignore them and grab your Math book out of your locker. You place it in your bag and then slam the locker door close. But when you turn to walk to class you see Tori standing in front of you.

"Do you wanna eat lunch with us today?" she asks you with a big smile on her face.

"No," you say coldly and turn to walk away, but Tori grads your upper arm. You have to bit back a moan of pain when her fingers closes around your wounded arm. "Beck isn't even at school today, so you don't have to worry about him showing up. Please come eat with us."

You turn back to face Tori. "Why should I?"

"Because we're your friends," she says, loosening her grip on your arm a little.

"You're not my friends," you say which makes her roll her eyes. "And don't even any friends."

"Everyone needs friends."

"Well I don't," you say, ripping your arm out of her grip walking away, not even caring to look over your should to see the hurt look on Tori's face. You just walk to class and is thankful of the fact that you don't have Math with any of the people you just told Tori aren't your friends.

You sit in the back of the class instead of in the front like you use to. For some reason you have always liked Math. You don't really know why you like it, just that you're good at it. But today you can't concentrate. Nothing the teacher says gets through to you and you just sit there starring at the whiteboard without having any idea what's going. There is a problem written on it, but your mind can't find a way to solve it. It's like the answer has completely disappeared from your head and you realize it's because your mind is already trying to solve another problem.

If Tori, Andre, Cat and Robbie aren't your friends then who do you have in your life that cares about you?

You haven't seen your father or little brother since Christmas or had a more than three word conversation with your mother in almost as long. Not having a close relationship with your family haven't really bother you, because you had Beck. But now you have no one. Now you are as alone as you were when your problem with self harm started.

It was just after your parents got divorced. Your farther moved to the other side of the county with your brother and you stayed in Hollywood with your mother. You don't know how they decided who got which child or why it got to be you that had to stay with your mother. Maybe it was because they figured an 11 year-old could better handle your mother's long work hours and her view on perfection then a 4 year-old could.

You often wonder how your life would have been if you moved with your father and Mike to New York or if your mother hadn't tried so hard to make you perfect that it end up breaking you.

"Jade?"

You look up. "What?"

"Class is over," Ms. Collins says.

You look around the room and realize everyone else has left. You were so deep in thought that you didn't even hear the sound of the bell ringing or even the loud noises that usually occur when 25 people all leave a room at the same time. "Oh," you say and quickly starts to gather your things.

Ms. Collins closes the book she reading in and walks over to you. "Are you okay, Jade?" she asks with a worried look on her face.

"Yeah I'm just fine."

"Are you sure? You have seemed so distant lately."

"I said I was fine!" you say, swinging your bag over you shoulder, leaving the class room wishing you hadn't just snapped at your teacher. Not because you might get in trouble for doing it, but because you know Ms. Collins from now on will pay you a lot more attention and at some point she might figure out what's going on.

* * *

*They never get past arms length. How could they act like everything is alright? She's pulling down her long sleeves. To cover all the memories that scars leave*


	4. Chapter 3

Walking Under Water

* * *

At lunch you decide to go eat with the others even though you told Tori you wouldn't. You drop your books of at your locker and then make your way to the asphalt cafe. But as you walk around the corner to get to your usual table you see something that makes you stop. Beck is sitting at the table. For a moment you're confused. Tori had told you Beck wasn't gonna be at school today and you hadn't seen him at your Theater history class, so you thought she had been right, but then why was he sitting at your table eating lunch?

You don't know what to do, so you just stand there staring at the back of his head till Tori catches your eyes from the other side of the table. She looks apologetic at you and is just about to get up from her seat to go talk to you, but you turn around and runs back into the school. You don't wanna talk to her or have the others notice you.

You run into the girls' bathroom and is relieved to see that no one else is in there. You walk to your usual stall and throw your bag on the floor, before sitting down on the toilet lid. Why did Beck have be there? You make your right hand into fist and hit it against the inside of your bruised left knee. A painful half scream leaves your month, before your hand comes up to cover it. You take in a few deep breathes and then you hit yourself again. You bite down on your lower lip hard keep your screams in. This hurts so much more then cutting and that's way you do it. Also, it doesn't leave a scar. You press your eyes closely together and mentally prepare yourself for another hit, but then the door to the bathroom opens and you hear a group of girls walk in. One wearing purple ballerinas, two wearing boots and one wearing white sneakers.

Annoyed you let your fist fall and you open your eyes. You hope they will leave soon, so you can get back to hurting yourself. You cringe at the thought and again you feel ashamed of what you're doing. And why are you even doing it? You don't get to think about it for long, because all of the sudden you hear your name mentioned in the girls' conversation.

"What?" the girl in the purple ballerinas asks.

"I said, 'did he mention Jade on your date'?"

Who is he and why would he talk about you on someones date, you think and a lean closer to the stall door to better hear what is said.

The girl laughs. "Of course not. You don't really mention your ex-girlfriend on a first date."

You freeze. She's talking about Beck. You almost don't believe what she is saying, but why would she lie? The girls talk some more about the date and you're thankful when they finally leave and you're able to breath normally without having to worry about them noticing you. But you can't breath normally. You start breathing faster and faster and it scares you. You leave the bathroom stall and walk up to the sink. You look at yourself in the mirror. Your face is more pale then usual and you notice that your hands are shaking. You lean forward over the sink and squeeze the edge of it tightly. You try gasping for air, but it doesn't reach your lungs properly and your chest starts to hurt. You don't understand what is happening to you and you feel tears making there way down your checks.

You are just about to start freaking out, but then someone is slowly lifting your arms of the table and over her head. You look up and in the mirror you can see Tori standing behind you, holding your arms. Your eyes meet and you wanna say something, but all that leaves your mouth is a low wheezing.

"Jade, you have to calm down," Tori says. "Try taking deep breaths."

You try breathing in deeply like she says, but it hurts so much that you would have collapsed on the floor if Tori hadn't been holding your arms up. "I... I can't," you stutter with a gasp once again and your head falls to your chest.

"Yes you can," Tori says, turning you around so you are standing face to face with her still holding your arms up. "Look at me, Jade," she says and you slowly rise your head. Tori is looking right into your eyes and you know that she can see the fear your feeling. "Everything is going to be okay. I'm here for you."

"What's happening to me?" You're able to say.

"You're having a panic attack, but it's going to be okay," Tori says with a researching smile. "You don't have to be afraid."

You nod your head slowly to show her that you understand. You try to take in more controlled breaths of air and after a moment the tight feeling in your chest slowly starts to disappears.

When you're finally able to breathe normally again, you start to cry. You let the tears fall that you have been holding back since the break up. The tears that you have made your body bleed, because you didn't know another way to let them out. Your mother has told you for as long as you can remember that only weak people cry and she wouldn't let you be weak. If she ever saw you cry she would yell at you and ask you if you wanna be weak, but right know you don't care and you don't mind when Tori wraps her arms around you as you cry. You're not crying like the time you showed up at Tori's doorstep after you broke up with Beck and wanted him back. This isn't a few half-hearted tears that are running down your checks. No, this time you're crying so hard your whole body is shaking. You hold tight on to Tori as your legs gives out and you sink to the floor together.

"Beck, he... he went on a date," you sob. "It has only been 7... 7 days."

"I know. I'm sorry," she says, stroking your hair again and again. When you stop crying Tori slowly lets her arms fall from around you like she is afraid that you might start again. But when you only sniffle a couple of times then she let go of you completely, but she shouldn't have done that. The moment she is no longer touching you it's like you realize was has just happened. You get up from the floor and walk to the stall where your bag is still lying. You throw it over you shoulder and quickly look at yourself in the mirror. You look like hell. Your hair is a mess and dark make-up is all over you face, but you don't care enough to do anything about it. You turn towards Tori. "If you ever tell anyone about this then I'm gonna make the rest of your life a living hell," you say coldly walking to the door. She looks back at you confuses, like she thinks this has changed something between the two of you. Like she thinks you have become friends. "We're not friends," you say and walk out, leaving her to sit alone on the bathroom floor.

There is still a few minutes left of the lunch break, so when you make your way through the school the halls are still empty and no one notice you sneak out to your car and drive off. You still have three classes left of the day, but you know that you won't be able to concentrate at all, so why attend them? Also, every person that decides to look at you, will be able to see that you have been crying. That you're not as strong and put together as you let everyone think you are. In other words: that you're weak. And you can't have that. It's weird, you think to yourself, that 15 minutes ago you didn't care about looking weak, but now you feel like it would be the end of the world.

The more think about that happened in the girls' bathroom the more angry you get with yourself. You know the panic attack wasn't your fault, but why did you have to break down like that? You get so mad that tears fills your eyes again and you have to stop the car. You hit the wheel with open hands. You don't wanna cry again. You lean over and get a pair of scissors out of the glove compartment.

You have never cut yourself with a pair of scissors before, but your bag is lying on the backseat of the car and you can't reach it, so this will have to do. You roll up your left sleeve and press the open blade against the skin of your arm, but you can't make yourself pull the scissor over your arm. Scissors are something you love. You can't use them for this.

You throw the scissors on the floor angrily.

You want this feeling of weakness, of hurt, of anger to go away. You wanna feel nothing and it has to be now! So you crawl over to the backseat of you car and quickly finds the paper knife in your bag. Pull down your pants, not caring that you are sitting in your car like this and that anyone walking by will be able to see you. You just need this. You pull over blade over your thigh, pressing it hard against your skin.

All emotions leaves your body and numbness is in stead spread through it as you watch the blood run down the sides of your thigh and onto the dark fabric of the backseat. You lean your head against the window and there are no longer tears in your eyes, just a small smile on your lips.

So much for not hurting yourself today.

* * *

*The drops of blood are a substitute for tears I cannot cry*


	5. Chapter 4

Walking Under Water

* * *

The blood on your thigh is making your pants stick against it. It feels weird. You take your left hand of the steering-wheel and let your fingers run over the area of your pants where the cut is. You realize that your fingers gets wet and your almost afraid of looking at your hand, when you move it back to the steering-wheel. Your fingertips are red.

Are your leg still bleeding?

When you make it to your home you grab your bag and get out of the car. You run to the house and through the front door. Everything goes so quickly that you don't even notice that your mother is standing there waiting for you, you just run past her up the stairs and into your room. You close the door behind you and throw your bag on the floor. Then you just stand there in the middle of your room without doing anything. You're scared. What if the cut is still bleeding, because you cut too deep and you have to go to the hospital to get stitches? You catch your reflection in the mirror over your black dresser. All color on your face is gone. You take a deep breath and with shaking hands you pull down your pants. It hurts when you pull them over the cut, but you realize it's because the blood has started to dry and the wound is sticking to the fabric. You sigh with relief as you sink down on the edge for your bed. You reach over and take a wet wipe out of the box on your nightstand and then wipe the dried blood away.

"Jade!"

You wonder why your mother is home at this time of the day. "What?" you yell back. There isn't answer, but then your door is opened. You quickly stand, pulling your pants in place before turning around to face your mother. "Thank you for not knocking before walking into my room."

"You're not supposed to be home from school already."

"And how would you know that?"

"Your principal just call to ask why my daughter was missing from her last four classes of the day."

You roll your eyes at the answer. Of course, why would your mother actually know when you were supposed to be in school. She only keep track on things that is importance to her. "What did you tell her?"

"I told her that you weren't feeling well, so you had call me to ask if it was okay if you went home."

"You lied," you say surprised.

"Yes and I'm expecting this – skipping school – to be a one time thing. Understood."

You nod silently, but when your mother turns to leave, you say, "Don't you wanna know why I skipped school?"

She looks you up and down. "There's something on your pants." And then she leaves, closing the door after her.

For a moment you just stand there, looking at the closed door. Do your mother really care this little about you? You sigh and then look down at your pants. The 'something' you have on your pants is dried blood. Luckily the spot isn't your usually reddish brown color, but just a darker shade of black than the rest of your pants, so you're positive that your mother didn't notice. But would she care about it anyway? Would she care that her daughter is hurting herself again? You don't think so. If you were still her little perfect girl then she probably would, but you aren't. You aren't her model, so she don't need you anymore.

Your eyes starts to burn and you can't believe that you are almost crying again. You don't think you have ever cried or wanted to cry this much in just one day before. You brush the tears from your eyes before they have time to fall. When you look down at your hands you see black marks of make-up on them and you realize that your mother knows that you have cried. The thought of her knowing this is almost worse than if she knew that you were cutting again. Was that why she just left? Because she knew you are weak? That you cried?

You pull your shirt over your head and throws it angrily across the room. You do the same with your boots and the rest of your clothes so you end up in only your underwear. "This is how weak I am," you whisper to yourself as you look down at your bruised body. You hate what you see, but at the same time you don't think you have the right to hate it. To hate the bruises on your body, because you have made them yourself.

You take a deep breath and then walk into your bathroom, don't caring to gather the clothes you threw around the bedroom. You turn on the water tap, watching from the edge of the bathtub as it fills. When the bathtub is filled with water you turn the tap off and slowly sink down in the scalding water. The water hurts your body and it takes everything in you not to jump out of the tub again. You breathe in deeply and then slid completely under the water.

You stay under the water for as long as you can and even when air is starting to becoming necessary you don't resurfaces. You just want to stay there in your own little bobble of water where no one can hurt you, where just the sight of Beck won't make you cry or where your family still cares about you. Your lungs are now completely empty of air and you can't stay down under the water any longer. Your body jolts up right and you start coughing violently. Your lungs hurt. It almost feels like they are burning, but you don't care. You actually kind of like the feeling and you're about to duck under the water again, but then your phone starts to ring.

You get up from the tub and wrap a towel around your body. You avoid the mirror as you walk out of the bathroom. Your phone is in your bag and you wonder how you were even able to here it ring. You always overhear it. You walk over to your bag and fish your phone out of it. It was Cat who called you. Why would she be calling you now? Shouldn't she be in school? You select her number and then press dial.

"Hi Jade!" Cat says in her usual shilling voice and with an accent on the 'I'.

"Why are you calling me?"

"To see if you're feeling better?"

"Feeling better?" You're confused. How does she know about your mother's lie about you being sick?

"Yeah, Tori said you weren't feeling well so you went home."

"Oh, did she say anything else."

"About what?" Cat says ignorant.

"Nothing," you say quickly, hoping that Cat will forget everything Tori might have said about what happened in the bathroom. "Is there anything else you want?"

"I wanna know if your feeling better. Are you feeling better?"

You roll your eyes. "You already asked me that."

"But you didn't say if you're feeling better. Are you?"

"Yes, yes I'm feeling better."

"Yaay!" Cat squeals so loudly that you have to move the phone away from your ear. "That's so great."

"Yeah I guess so."

"Then will you pick me up at nine?" Cat asks happily.

Now you're really confused. "Pick you up?"

"Yes, you said I could drive with you to Andre's party tonight."

And then you remember what Cat is talking about. Andre is having a at his house tonight and you said you would go, but you were invited two weeks ago. And two weeks ago you and Beck were still dating. If you go now you will most like run into him and maybe even his new girlfriend. You don't actually know if she is his girlfriend or what she looks like, but they went on a date and that hurt you enough. "Cat, I'm not going to the party."

"But you promised me you would go," Cat says and you think she might start crying.

"It's Thursday and we have school tomorrow," you say hoping it will get her to drop the subject. "And when did I promise that I would go or even pick you up?"

"When I gave you the band-aid on your finger."

You don't remember having that conversation or even making the promise, but then again, you were kind of high on pain, so that is probably why. "But Cat."

"A promise is something you should keep."

You sigh. How many times having you use that exact same sentence on Cat? She knows you can't say no to her now. "Fine. I'll pick you up at 9."

"Yaay!" Cat squeals and then she hangs up without saying goodbye.

You toss your phone on the bed and then walk up to your full length mirror. You look at yourself and you hate what you see. You hate the bruises. You hate the burns. You hate the half healed cuts. You hate everything. And looking at yourself in the mirror makes you hate it even more, so you curl your hands into fist. You lift them high in the air and then you let them fall against the mirror's smooth surface.

Your reflection splinters into a million broken pieces.

You smile and walk away with blood running down the sides of your hands.

* * *

*Occasionally I wished I could walk through a picture window and have the sharp, broken shards slash me to ribbons so I would finally look like I felt*


	6. Chapter 5

Walking Under Water

* * *

A/N – I decided that describing in details what the girls were wearing at the party was too difficult and you guys probably wouldn't see it the same way as I do anyway, so I have drawn it for you :)

Jade: twitpic . com/9q8pj8

Cat: twitpic . com/9q8oos

Tori: twitpic . com/9q8pxc

* * *

You sit in your car outside Cat's house waiting for her. You had writing her a text to let her know you were there and she wrote you back, saying she would be out in two minutes. You look at yourself in the review mirror, checking as much of your appearance as you can in the small mirror. You actually look good, even though it had been hell trying to find something to wear. All your usual party clothes are either short sleeved, see through or both. Trying to look just a little sexy is hard when you have to cover up most of your body. Nothing had looked good, but then you found a pretty, black, long sleeved dress in the back of your closet. Your mother had brought it for you a long time ago. She had wanted you to wear at some event at her work. You hadn't wanted to go and you had spent multiple days complaining about it and at least your mother had given in. She went alone and you had hidden the dress away in the far back of your closet. You don't think you have ever worn it.

But you're wearing it now and it's actually a really nice dress. It's black with a small red ribbon under the chest, low-cut in the back and ends just over your knees. You had wanted to wear fishnet stockings, but the bruise on your leg was too dark for you to cover up with make-up. It annoyed you but it was your own fault. Instead you had found a pair of red tights to wear. They fit well with the dress. You also chose to wear red strips in your hair and a pair of safety pin earrings in each ear and dark make-up that made your eyes stand out. Shoes had also been hard for you to decide on. Black stilettos or boots? You went with the boots, seeing that you are planning on getting really drunk, so you thought the black boots would be the safes for you to wear.

"Hi Jade!"

You look from the mirror and out the window at Cat. She's wearing a lot of pink. Pink dress, pink shoes and a pink bow in her very red hair. You don't really like pink all that much, but it's better than yellow. "Hey Cat," you say, but get confused when she opens the door to the backseat and gets in behind you instead of next to you. "Why are you sitting back there?"

"So Tori can sit in the front," she says with a smile.

"What?"

"I told Tori she could drive with us to the party."

"I didn't say she could," you say angrily, looking back at Cat. Her lower lip is quivering and you know she's about to cry. You sigh and shake your head. "She lives like five minutes from Andre's house. Why can't she just walk there?"

"It's dark outside. She can't walk alone in the dark."

You groan. "Fine."

Cat talks all the way to the Vega house. You really wanna tell her to shut up, but you have already made her cry twice today, so you just ignore her. "There's Tori," Cat says as you pull into the street where Tori lives. She is standing on the sidewalk with her arms wrapped around herself. She's wearing a blue silk top, gray skinny jeans and black stilettos. She's looking down at her shoes and doesn't notice that you're coming. You roll down the window. "Get in the car Vega!" you yell, making her jump. You smirk at her as she opens the door and gets into the car next to you.

"I was starting to think what you weren't coming," Tori says as she closes the door.

Cat gaps. "Why would you think that?"

Tori turns around and looks at Cat. "Because you told me that you and Jade would be picking me up at 8:30 and not almost an hour later."

You roll your eyes. "Cat, why would you tell her that when I told you I would be picking you up at nine?"

"I... I... got confused," Cat says, "sorry."

"Huh," Tori says, turning back to look at you, "I actually thought you were doing this on purpose just to mess with me."

"I probably would have if I had known you were driving with us."

"Cat didn't tell you?"

"Nope."

"Are you two mad at me?" Cat asks.

You look at her through the review mirror and roll your eyes at her sad face. Tori turns around in the seat and smiles at Cat. "Of course we aren't mad at you," she says and then looks at you, but her eyes doesn't stay on your face. Instead they go down to your hands on the steering-wheel. "What happened to your hands?" she asks as she reaches out to touch the side of your right hand where a couple of small cuts are visible.

"I had an argument with my mirror," you say, moving your hand out of her reach.

She lets her arm fall back at her side and then turns away from you. "That's Andre's house up there," she says, pointing to a white house with a lot of cars parked in front of it. You don't think you have been to Andre's house more than once and it was a long time ago. It surprises you that you remember the way, but here you are and so are a lot of other people. The street is packed with cars, so you have to park a couple of houses down from Andre's. You and the two others get out of the car and start walking to the House.

When you get there Andre opens the door with a big happy smile. "Hello, my girls. You look hot!" You open your mouth to tell him you aren't his 'girl', but he quickly cuts you off. "I wasn't talking to you." You ignore what he said and just walk pass him into the house and way from all of them. You don't plan on spending any time with them tonight.

You walk into the kitchen and grab a beer from the fridge. You unscrew the cap while closing the fridge door with your hip. You drink half of it in one sip, breath and then drink the rest. You don't really like beer, but it will get you drunk, so you don't care that the taste of it almost makes you wanna throw up. You place the bottle on the counter and then turn to grab another, but when you turn around you see that Beck is watching you from the doorway. "How was your date with miss purple ballerinas?" you ask, opening the fridge. You don't really know why you're asking, because you don't want to know the answer.

"Who? Annie?" Beck asks, walking up to you. "Will you grab one for me too?"

You shrug your shoulders and hand Beck a beer. He unscrews the cap and leans against the counter. You close the fridge and lean against it. For a moment the two of you just stand there silently in front of each other, beer in hand and looking anywhere but at the other person's face.

"The date sucked," Beck suddenly says.

You look at him. "Does it look like I care?"

"You asked." He takes a step towards you and all of a sudden all you wanna do is wrap your arms around him and tell him how much you're hurting. But you don't. Instead you take a sip of your beer and then leave the kitchen.

"Jade," Beck calls after you, but you ignore him. You finish your beer and walk into the living room where people are dancing to the very loud and very bad music. Parties has never really been you thing. You like to have fun and get drunk, but at parties like this one there's too many people you don't know and the music always suck. You sit down on one of the couches, your empty beer bottle still in hand and look at people as they dance. Cat is dancing with Andre and Tori is dancing some tall guy you don't remember the name of, but you're pretty sure that his in yours and Tori's Physics class. It looks like they are having fun.

You sigh and lean back in the couch, but then you feel someone watching you. You look around and see a guy looking at you. He is tall with short blonde hair, blue eyes and not your type at all. He smiles at you and you roll your eyes looking away from him.

"Hi, I'm Adam," he says as he sits down on the coffee table right in front of you.

"So?" you say annoyed.

"What's your name."

"If you don't know my name, then you clearly don't go to Hollywood Arts."

"No I don't and I finished high school last year," Adam says with grin.

You know he's trying to impress you, but you don't fall for it. "Then what the hell are you doing at kiddie party?" you say, hoping your negativity will scare him away, but it doesn't.

"I'm just here with a friend who knows Andre," he says. "So what's your name."

You sigh. You know he won't give up, so you might as well tell him. "Jade."

"Like the ornamental stone."

"I know."

"So, do you wanna dance Jade."

"No."

"Why not?" Adam asks. "Don't you like to dance?"

"Oh I like to dance, I'm just not drunk enough to dance with someone like you."

"Come on," he says, taking the empty beer bottle from you, placing it on the table beside him and then takes your hands in his and gets up. "Let's get you something to drink, so we can dance."

There's something about Adam that makes you follow him to the other side of the living room. You mix a drink, vodka/sprite. It's really the only thing you like to mix alcohol with. You make it a bit too strong and pull a face as you quickly drink the whole thing. You shake your head. Yuk. It really didn't taste good. Adam laughs at you and you try to hit him hard on the arm, but the all the alcohol you have consumed is starting to affect you. It makes the punch kind of light and your arm falls limp to your side.

It just makes Adam laugh again. "Are you drunk enough now to dance with me?"

You are about to tell him that you'll never be drunk enough to dance with him, but then you see Beck looking at you from across the room. You almost think he looks hurt, but you don't get why. He went on a date last night with some girl named Annie that wears purple ballerinas and he looks hurt just because you're talking to so guy? You turn to Adam. "Let's dance."

You grab his hand and pull him with you in between all the other teens that are dancing. You place his hands on your hips and start moving against him. As your thigh makes contact with his pain runs through your leg, but you don't move away and actually press yourself closer against him. You take a deep breath and then look over his shoulder and see that Beck is still looking your way. You make eye-contact with him as you rub your hips against Adam and Beck's expression turns sad. You know that what you're doing right now with this guy is hurting Beck, but you don't care. He doesn't get to feel hurt after the way he made you feel.

"You're a good dancer," Adam whispers in your ear. You look up at him with a smirk and then turn back to look over his shoulder. Beck is gone.

An hour of dancing and a big amount of alcohol later, you find yourself pressed against the door of the upstairs bathroom making out with Adam. His hands are moving over your body. Up your sides, down your back, over your breast. His hands are everywhere, while yours are as far away from him as you can get them. He kisses his way from your lips and down your neck. His right hand moves up your thighs and under your dress. You try to enjoy the feeling of his lips on your neck and his hand that has now moved around to your ass, but you don't. The feeling of him touching you makes you sick. His hands feel weird and he isn't kissing you right. You tell yourself that it's just because of how drunk you are.

You open your eyes when you realize why this feels so wrong to you. It has nothing to do with how drunk you are it's because he isn't Beck.

Adam hands moves to pull down your red tights, but you push him away. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" you ask angrily, pulling your dress in place.

Adam looks confused at you as he runs his hand through his hair. "But I thought... I thought you..."

"You thought I wanted to get fucked by a guy I don't know against a door in my friend's bathroom?" you say, surprised by how sober you sound. "How stupid are you?" You don't give him time to answer; you just turn your back to him stumbling slightly as you open the door walking directly into Tori. You both fall to the ground with a loud bump. Adam tries to help you up from the floor, but you yell at him to stay away and do it on your own. You stumble again and when you feel a hand on your shoulder you're about to yell at Adam again. You turn around, but see that it's Tori standing next to you and the Adam isn't even in the room anymore. You sit down on the toilet lit with your head in your hands. All the moving around is making you feel sick to your stomach.

"Jade, are you okay?" Tori asks.

"I'm fine," you say, trying to sound hard, but as soon as the words leave your mouth the nausea gets much worse. You jump of the toilet and lift the lit quickly. You make it just in time. Your dinner and everything you have drunk all night leaves your body. You squeeze your eyes tightly shut and hold on to the toilet seat with both hands, trying to keep your body steady. When another round of nausea hits, you feel a hand moving your hair away from your face and then another one grubbing circles on the part of your back that isn't covered by your dress.

When your stomach is finally empty you slid down on the floor. Your body is still shaking slightly and your head has started to hurt like hell.

"Here." You look up to see Tori kneeling besides you. She is holding out a paper towel for you. You accept it and wipe your mouth of.

"Are you gonna threw up again?" Tori asks as you throw the paper towel in the toilet and flush. You shake your head. "Then I'm taking you home." She takes your hand and you let her help you of the floor. Maybe letting a friend help you when you're weak isn't that bad or maybe you're just too drunk to care right now.

* * *

*The plain fact of it was I was miserable, though my misery wasn't so much sadness as it was a shrieking unease, a growing despair, which I had been trying that morning to cut out of myself*


	7. Chapter 6

Walking Under Water

* * *

When Tori had said that she would take you home you the thought she meant your house and that someone would drive you. But she didn't. Home meant her house and it meant walking. She has her arm wrapped around your waist to keep you from falling. You can't really feel your legs and feet and for some weird reason your lips feels numb. You feel so tired and so sad. This is why you don't like drinking. With some people drinking makes them forget there sorrows, but with you it's like every bad feeling you have ever felt comes back three folded. You close your eyes and lean your head against Tori's shoulder, but you shouldn't have done that. The moment you relax your body your legs goes weak and stumble to the ground bringing Tori down with you. You laugh as your bottom hits the sidewalk. You find the whole thing much more funny than it probably is, because Tori isn't laughing with you.

You look to your right to find out why Tori isn't laughing and you see her holding her left hand against her chest. You tilt your head to the side and ask, "What's wrong?"

Tori looks surprised up at you. You're sure that you sounded much nicer than you usually do, but you're drunk and not in total control of your emotions. "I... I think I cut my hand on something," she says and shows you the cut on the palm of her hand. Blood is running slowly down her wrist and you think of all the times you have been the one with blood running from a cut. But the difference here is that Tori didn't do this on purpose, she isn't like you.

You reach behind you after your little black handbag. You open it and fish out a handkerchief, then you take Tori's hand and slowly wipes the blood away. "Here," you say, talking Tori's other hand," keep a presser on it." She does as you say, while you grab a band-aid from your bag. You always have lot's of band-aids in many sizes with you where ever you go. You never know when you might need one. You get Tori to move her hand and the bloody handkerchief away from the small cut that is still bleeding a little. It's probably gonna stop soon, but you still dress the wound with the butterfly band-aid.

Tori looks from her hand to you. "I wouldn't have taken you for a butterfly band-aid type of girl," she says with a smile. You ignore her and slowly get up from the ground. Your legs shake slightly and it takes a moment for you to find your balance, but when your become steady on your feet you reach down to Tori and helps her up. "Thanks," she says as she wraps her injury free hand around yours. If it wasn't because you were so tired, you would probably had yelled at her for touching you, even though you let her have her arm around your waist a moment ago. And then you start you wonder way she isn't doing that, but it's probably because she's afraid you might fall down and take her with you again.

So you walk the rest of the way to her house hand in hand and in silence. She doesn't even let go of your hand when she reaches into her pocket to get her keys out. "No one's home, so you don't have to think about being quiet," she says as she unlocks the front door. You only just get to think that that's wired of her to say, before you stumble over the doorstep and in attempt to keep yourself from falling you reach out with your free hand for the hat stand to your left. You don't fall, but the hat stand does and when it hits the ground a loud bang is heard. Tori shakes her head at you. "Well better it than you."

"If you say so." You wanted to give a better come back, but when you opened your mouth your mind became blank. Tori ignores your comment and instead pulls at your hand to get you to follow her. You both steps over the hat stand and walk up the stair to her room. You wonder why Tori didn't pick up the hat stand. It seems so unlike Tori to just let it lie on the floor. Maybe she thinks she can get you to pick it up yourself in the morning. That's so not going to happen.

"Here." You look up and see Tori standing in front of you with a small pile of clothes. You were so deep in thought that you didn't even realize that you had made it into her room or even that Tori had let go of your hand. "What is this?" you ask, poking at the clothes.

"This is something for you to sleep in," she says, handling you the pile.

You let it fall to the floor. "I'm not wearing your clothes."

"Suit yourself, but yours got puke on it," Tori says, sounding way too cheerful for your liking.

"Fine!" you say with a groan. "I'll wear your clothes, but if I bent down to pick it up, then there will be puke on more then just my dress."

Tori wrinkles her nose and quickly picks up the clothes and this time when she hands it to you, you don't let it fall to the floor, you just sit down on the edge of her bed and she turns her back to you in search for some night clothes for herself, but you figured it was also to give you some privacy. As you take of your clothes there is something in the back of your mind that tells you that you shouldn't be doing so, but you shake the thought out of your head and puts on the tank top and shorts from Tori. You leave your dress and red tights in a pill on the floor and then say, "I'm sleeping on the left side of the bed." Well knowing that that is the side Tori usually sleeps on, seeing that her alarm clock and reading glasses are lying on the nightstand.

Tori groans frustrated. "That's my side!" Then she turns around and you can see that she's about to yell at you, but her expression turns from annoyed to horrified. "Oh Jade,"she says, covering her mouth with both hands and that's when you realize you are standing in front of her in a tank top and shorts and that your arms and legs are completely visible to her. You don't cover yourself or run, you just stand there frozen as Tori looks at the many cuts and bruises on your body. In an instant you are completely sober.

You expect her to ask you what happened or if you have done this to yourself. You expect her to feel sorry for you and for her to tell you that you shouldn't be this. What you don't expect her to do is quietly walking up to you and hugging you tight, but that is exactly what she does. Tori wraps her arms around your neck, bringing you as close to her as possible and she says nothing, just strokes your hair.

You wanna scream at Tori to make her get the hell away from you, but when you open your mouth no sounds comes out. It's like your lungs are empty of air. You try again and again, and when finally you are able to fill your lungs and scream the only sound that comes out of your mouth is a stifled sob.

"It's okay to cry," Tori whispers into your hair and you feel yourself break. You cry so hard it makes your body shake and you have to wrap your arms around Tori's waist to keep yourself standing. She runs her fingers through your hair and you bury your face in her shoulder. For some reason you notice that her that she smells nice. You know it's weird, but you actually think that her sweet scent and fingers in your hair makes you calm down. When your tears stops and it becomes easier for you to breathe, so you let go of Tori and take a step back. She reaches up with both of her hands and uses her thumbs to wipe the tears of your cheeks. "Do you wanna talk about it or just sleep?" she asks, letting go of your face.

"I just wanna go to sleep," you tell her as you wrap your arms around your chest, feeling extremely unsure of yourself. Right now you actually feel nothing like yourself – you just feel pathetic, ugly, weak. "Do you maybe have something long sleeved I can wear?"

Tori nods and walks to her dresser. "Is this okay?" she asks holding up a pair of dark green jogging pants and a black long sleeved shirt.

"Yeah that's fine," you say, unwrapping your arms slowly, taking the clothes from Tori. Even with the wounds on your arms in plain slight, Tori doesn't even look down at them once, she just hands you the clothes with a small smile and then she crawls into bed. You quickly change and then crawled into the bed yourself and she reaches over to turn of the lamp on the bedside table. "Could you leave it on?" you ask her, hating how pathetic you think you sound.

"Of course." She let's go of the lamp cord and lies down on her side, facing you. "Would you like-"

You cut her off, saying, "I still don't wanna talk about it." Then you roll onto your back and look up at the ceiling.

"I wasn't gonna ask you that."

"Then what were you gonna ask me?"

"If you would like for me to sing you a song."

"What?" You look at her confused. "Like a 'goodnight song'?"

"Yes," Tori says with a smile.

"Why?"

"Because I thought it might help you fall asleep."

You roll back onto your back and grin at the ceiling. "So you know how boring your singing is, then."

"Haha, very funny," she says, sarcastically and you're positive she just rolled her eyes at you. "Do you want a song or not." You pull the covers up to your face and then nod. "Beg me," Tori says and now it's your time to roll your eyes. You don't even know how many times you have said that to her and now she's using your own words against you. But you swallow your pride, because you actually really want the song. "Please sing me a song."

"Okay, then close your eyes."

You do as she says, but when you feel her moving closer to you, you open them again. "What are you doing?"

"Calm down I'm not gonna jump you," Tori says, as she moves so she's lying directly next to you and then she strokes your hair. "My mom would always stroke my hair while she sang to me when I little. So now close your eyes and I will sing to you." You're feeling weird about this, but you still do it. Tori runs her fingers through your hair a few times and then she starts singing, _"__Sing me to sleep. Sing me to sleep. I'm tired and I... I want to go to bed. Sing me to sleep. Sing me to sleep. And then leave me alone. Don't try to wake me in the morning, 'cause I will be gone. Don't feel bad for __me, I want you to know. Deep in the cell of my heart I will feel so glad to go."_

Tori starts to hum and you sigh and without thinking, you learn towards her touch. You would never have guessed that this was the song she was gonna sing or even that she knew a song like this. It's so dark and nothing like Tori, but maybe you are wrong. Maybe this song is just as dark as you as it is Tori.

Before you fall asleep the last thing you feel is Tori stroking your hair and the last think you hear is her voice singing softly in your ear. "_Sing me to sleep. Sing me to sleep. I don't want to wake up on my own anymore. Sing to me. Sing to me. I don't want to wake up on my own anymore. Don't feel bad for me, I want you to know. Deep in the cell of my heart I really want to go. Sing me to sleep. Sing me to sleep. There is another world. There is a better world. Well, there must be. There must be. There is another world. There is a better world."_

* * *

*Will you stay? Stay 'till the darkness leaves. Stay here with me? I know you're busy, I know I'm just one. But you might be the only one who sees me. The only one to save me*


End file.
